Minimising family conflict

Therapy has the potential to help a family understand how it is working, and improving how we communicate and overcomes problems. This is particularly essential when we turn our attention to conflict. So, it is important to recognise any efforts in a bid to repair a situation, as this can be one of the most vulnerable and important kinds of communication. Families need to learn to navigate the inevitable tension and disconnection that arises from falling out of sync with one another.

Repairing ruptures resulting from miscommunication, mismatches, and failing to attune to one another is vital for parenting and maintaining family union.

While there are many ways to recover from and resolve conflict, the following four steps are invaluable for authentic repair:

1.     Acknowledge the offense
Try to identify and understand the hurt you’ve caused. Whether intended and with apparent good reason or not, this is a valuable opportunity to dial down your defences and focus on how the other person is feeling.

It can help to check your understanding, “Did I upset you? Help me understand how.” Your approach must be open and authentic; unless heartfelt, it risks escalating emotions.

2.    Express remorse
Sometimes, simply saying, “I’m sorry,” is enough, or at least an excellent place to start.

Take care though. Adding a comment, such as, “Well, you shouldn’t have done X,” weakens your expression of remorse, especially when dealing with children. They are learning from what you do – right and wrong.

Also, don’t go overboard. Being too quick to say sorry or going over the top with an apology can make it more about yourself than the person hurt.

3.    Offer a simple explanation
If the other person is ready to listen (when you are both feeling calm), a brief explanation can clarify the thinking behind your actions.

Remember to focus on the other person’s experience rather than a litany of excuses for your poor behaviour. Also avoid using this as an opportunity to add grievances or assign blame for issues that have arisen recently.

4.    Learn and practice expressing your intentions to fix the situation and stop it from happening again.
Be sincere. Say that you are sorry and mean it.

There is little point in apologising and recovering from conflict if you intend to repeat the behaviour.

Conflict is often avoidable. If it isn’t, then it is possible to recover and maintain family relationships through authentic activities that actively seek to repair damage.

All relationships within a family can at one time or another descend into conflict.

Healthy communication strategies may include the normalisation of requests, such as, “I need a repair” and “Can we have a redo?” that tell us a family member is ready to fix a damaged relationship.

• Maintain awareness. If we think we may have caused upset or harm, circle back and check in with the other person.

Building a better environment through frequent repairs can catch problems early and reduce the likelihood of escalation.

Use “I” statements

How we say something can have a significant impact on what others hear. Encourage family members to express how they feel without blaming others, such as: “I am hurt by what you said last night” rather than accusations, such as, “You were out of order last night.”

Consider Your Intentions

Words have the power to share love and anger. Without clear and conscious intention, it is possible to communicate unhelpful and even harmful messages. You can learn new ways to identify and understand your intentions and help you respect and care for other family members’ needs.

It can be helpful to have a pre-emptive check on your intentions before you engage with the other family member, especially if it has the potential to turn into conflict. Consider how you can show positive intentions and steer clear of harmful intentions, such as proving yourself right.

Seeing Family Conflict as a Problem to Solve

Conflict isn’t always to be avoided; clashes can be productive, stimulating learning, fostering understanding, and moving a relationship forward. However, some conflict is unnecessary and avoidable, especially regarding daily tasks, such as tidying the house, going to bed, and completing chores.

It is vital that families learn to survive – and even grow – under adverse conditions. The family unit faces daily challenges from outside, and conflict from within that can upset the internal stability that rests upon existing narratives, shared beliefs, and sometimes mistaken assumptions.

It can become less about preventing all conflict, which is impossible, and more about creating a family environment that reduces unnecessary friction, repairs rifts and misunderstandings, grows, and moves forward.

Some words of wisdom from positivepsychology.com